According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
