I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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