In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
