she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
