Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
