I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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