I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is it because I queefed?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
