Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
