I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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