Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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