i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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