How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
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