so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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