I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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