Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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