Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
