We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
