Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
