I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
