I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
