True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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