I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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