he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she looked like the before picture.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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