OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
