What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
