Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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