I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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