Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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