Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
