I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
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