the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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