The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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