I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Drunk is not a location!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
