Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
