This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
