no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
