Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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