Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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