Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
