wrigley field is MILF paradise
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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