Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
