wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
