New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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