hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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