dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize