just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
