My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize