So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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