good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize