he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
