i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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