she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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