bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Vodka?
Forever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
