I murdered the dance floor call the cops
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
