My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
