u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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