I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
