some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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