just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
