i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
