I didn't shave. On purpose
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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